What I Learned From License to Parent by Christina Hillsberg

I am going to be a father soon and as I am about to enter fatherhood. I have been soaking up all the resources I can get my hands on.

And alas, I came across this book called Licence to Parent by Hillsberg.

Parenting is often described as the hardest job in the world. But what if you could tackle it with the skill set of a spy?

In her book “License to Parent: How My Career As a Spy Helped Me Raise Resourceful, Self-Sufficient Kids,” former CIA officer Christina Hillsberg takes us on a thrilling journey, blending espionage tactics with everyday parenting challenges.

Hillsberg’s unique perspective provides a refreshing and practical approach to raising children who are confident, capable, and resilient.

A Story of Transition

When Christina Hillsberg left the CIA to become a full-time mom, she faced a different kind of challenge.

Her days of international espionage had equipped her with a unique skill set, but how could these skills apply to parenting?

The answer came unexpectedly. During a particularly challenging day with her kids, Hillsberg realized that her spy training had prepared her for this new mission in ways she had never anticipated.

From reading non-verbal cues to strategic planning, the lessons she learned in the field began to shape her parenting approach.

Key Insights from “License to Parent”

Hillsberg’s book is brimming with insights that blend her espionage expertise with practical parenting advice. Here are some of the most compelling takeaways:

Observation: The Power of Paying Attention

As a spy, Hillsberg learned the importance of keen observation. This skill is just as crucial in parenting.

Reading the Room

In the CIA, understanding the dynamics of a room could mean the difference between life and death. At home, it means understanding your children’s moods and needs. Hillsberg emphasizes the importance of observing without immediately intervening.

By watching how children interact with their environment and each other, parents can gain valuable insights into their behavior and development.

Example: The Silent Observer

Hillsberg recalls an incident where her son was struggling with a puzzle. Instead of stepping in to help right away, she observed him from a distance. She noticed his frustration levels rising and falling, and eventually, he figured it out on his own. This not only boosted his problem-solving skills but also his confidence.

By stepping back and observing, parents can allow their children the space to develop independence.

Communication: More Than Just Words

Effective communication is at the heart of espionage—and parenting.

The Art of Listening

In the field, spies must listen carefully to gather intelligence. At home, listening to your children builds trust and understanding. Hillsberg advises parents to practice active listening, which involves paying full attention, acknowledging feelings, and responding thoughtfully.

Allegory: The Code Breaker

Think of communication with your child like decoding a message. Sometimes, the true meaning is hidden beneath layers of emotion and context.

By listening carefully, parents can “decode” what their children are really saying. For example, when a child says, “I hate school,” it might mean they’re struggling with a particular subject or facing social challenges.

By actively listening, parents can address the root cause rather than just the surface complaint.

Adaptability: Embracing Change

Spies must adapt to rapidly changing situations, and so must parents.

Flexibility in Routine

While having a routine is important, Hillsberg stresses the need for flexibility. Children thrive on stability, but life is unpredictable.

Being able to adapt and change plans teaches kids resilience.

Example: The Surprise Mission

Hillsberg shares a story of a planned family outing that was disrupted by bad weather. Instead of canceling the day, they adapted by creating an indoor adventure with maps and clues, turning disappointment into a memorable experience. This adaptability not only salvages potentially negative situations but also models positive problem-solving for children.

Resourcefulness: Making the Most of What You Have

Resourcefulness is a critical skill for spies and equally valuable for parents.

Encouraging Creativity

Hillsberg encourages parents to foster an environment where children can think creatively and find solutions to problems using the resources available to them.

Example: The DIY Spy Kit

One of Hillsberg’s favorite activities with her kids is creating “spy kits” using household items. These kits include tools for imaginative play and problem-solving, like magnifying glasses, notebooks, and invisible ink pens. This activity not only entertains but also teaches children to use their imagination and be resourceful with what they have.

Emotional Intelligence: Understanding Feelings

Emotional intelligence is a key component of both espionage and effective parenting.

Recognizing and Regulating Emotions

Spies must manage their emotions in high-stress situations. Hillsberg explains how parents can teach their children to recognize and regulate their emotions, leading to better self-control and empathy.

Allegory: The Emotional Toolbox

Imagine emotions as tools in a toolbox. Just as a spy selects the right tool for a mission, children need to learn how to choose the appropriate emotional response for different situations. Hillsberg suggests helping children label their emotions and discussing strategies for managing them, such as deep breathing for anger or journaling for sadness.

Practical Tips for Spy-Style Parenting

Hillsberg’s book is packed with practical tips that any parent can implement. Here are some of the best:

Tip 1: Develop Situational Awareness

Teach your children to be aware of their surroundings. This doesn’t mean making them paranoid but encouraging them to notice details and be mindful.

Practice: The Observation Game

Turn situational awareness into a game. During walks or car rides, ask your children to notice and remember as many details as they can about their environment. This enhances their observational skills and makes them more mindful.

Tip 2: Encourage Problem-Solving

Instead of providing solutions, guide your children to find their own answers.

Practice: The Question Method

When your child comes to you with a problem, respond with questions that lead them to think critically and arrive at a solution themselves. For example, if they can’t find their toy, ask, “Where did you last see it?” and “What places have you checked?” This promotes independent problem-solving skills.

Tip 3: Foster Independence

Encourage your children to take on age-appropriate responsibilities.

Practice: The Independence Ladder

Create a “ladder” of tasks that range from simple to complex. Start with easy tasks like picking out their clothes and gradually move to more challenging ones like preparing a simple meal. Celebrate each step as they climb their independence ladder.

Tip 4: Teach Resilience

Help your children understand that failure is a part of learning and growth.

Practice: The Resilience Storytime

Share stories of famous people who faced failures and overcame them. Discuss the setbacks and how they bounced back. This helps children see failure as a stepping stone rather than a roadblock.

Tip 5: Build Trust Through Communication

Keep the lines of communication open and honest.

Practice: The Daily Debrief

At the end of each day, have a debriefing session with your children. Ask about their day, listen to their experiences, and share yours. This builds a strong foundation of trust and mutual respect.

In Closing

“License to Parent” by Christina Hillsberg offers a unique and insightful approach to parenting.

By applying the skills she honed as a spy, Hillsberg provides parents with practical strategies to raise resourceful, self-sufficient children.

From keen observation and effective communication to fostering independence and resilience, her tips are both practical and transformative.

So, next time you find yourself in a parenting conundrum, remember: think like a spy, act like a parent.

Hillsberg’s journey from the covert world of espionage to the everyday challenges of parenting is a testament to the power of adaptability, resourcefulness, and emotional intelligence.

By embracing these principles, you too can equip your children with the skills they need to navigate the complexities of life with confidence and resilience